In the midst of infertility and loss, is it possible to find joy and gladness? Today, I share a bit about how I became a mom as well as how to find good in grief.
Hey there! Welcome to Imperfectly Pollyanna. A podcast where we have real and honest talk while finding the positive in the imperfections. I am your host, Courtney, and I am SO glad you are here!
I plan to chat about homeschool life here on the podcast. However, I felt to get a good feel for who I am and what led me to where I am today…well, we need to go back. Back to how I became a mom and the up and downs that came with it. As I intend to do every episode, no matter where the road leads, we will always end up finding the good.
Back in 2005, my husband and I started trying to conceive. A year later, I was diagnosed with infertility, among other things, and we started fertility treatments. 3 years passed and after an exhausting rollercoaster of emotions, doctor’s visits, medications, physical repercussions, and tests, we were blessed with the phone call we’d been praying for: “Congratulations, you’re pregnant.” I can still recall the excitement on my husbands face as he opened the card I had to let him know he was going to be a daddy! It. Was. Awesome.
A few months later, we were on a family reunion trip in Florida and I began spotting. At Disney of all places. On the flight home, I knew my pregnancy was over. I will spare you the details of what happened once it was confirmed but suffice it to say that those images haunt me to this day. I was so angry. How could God…the God of love, grace, mercy…the God who gave children to the baren, even raised people from the dead…how could He allow THIS to happen?! Had I really been that awful to deserve this?!
Looking back, I think of that broken girl and wish I could tell her so many things. I knew God could handle my emotions back then but I couldn’t see past the pain to even attempt and find the good.
The thing was…I didn’t know that there was a plan. It’s always a “big picture” even when we can only see one scene at a time.
This is a story of heartbreak, loss, anger and blessing. It took me several years to work my way out of the darkness I was in but I will always be reminded that there can be purpose from pain.
I don’t know where you’re at in your life today. Maybe you have questioned similar things. Like, if God is so great, why would he allow horrible things to happen to people? Why can’t he just wave a hand across the earth and make it all better? Make the chaos stop?
Goodness, if 2020 showed us anything, it was how badly people are hurting.
I don’t know all the answers. But I do know this. The trials you and I face are not new to God. He has seen it all. God’s love never fails. Never gives up. He offers healing.
When you are in the middle of a struggle, and you wonder what the point is, why you are suffering…hear me now when I tell you on the other side is a God who is still good. Who loves you through it all. When you can’t breathe from trying to simply tread water, reach out to Him. He’s got you. He sees the bigger picture. He can handle the heavy. The questions. The emotions.
Maybe you and I haven’t been through the same things. Even if we have, we would still have different emotions, thoughts, feelings because we are each different. That being said, there is NO pain, NO circumstance in which God would forget you.
See, the thing with being a “Pollyanna” doesn’t mean you live in a naïve world. It is BECAUSE of reality that I search for the good in all things. It may be something as simple as being grateful for a nice warm cup of coffee in the morning. It could be a quick text from a friend. It may be when dealing with a death you see that your loved one no longer has to deal with the crisis in current events. Even my inability to imagine being able to homeschool, and falling short of my own expectations, has found me to be GLAD that in today’s world, I am blessed to be raising and educating my children at home.
I have a question for you…are you someone who naturally finds the good in every situation? Or are you struggling to really see anything positive in a world that is full of negativity? Or then again, maybe you are somewhere in between. Something that has helped me, and I would suggest trying to see if it works for you as well is gratitude journaling. Your world won’t become perfect, but you’ll begin to see the good in the imperfections and THAT is what it means to play the Glad Game! If you decide to try it out, let me know how it goes!
I’d love to connect so make sure to subscribe and then send me a quick hello over to imperfectlypollyanna.com!
Hey there! Welcome to Imperfectly Pollyanna. A podcast where we have real and honest talk while finding the positive in the imperfections. I am your host, Courtney, and I am SO glad you are here!
Throughout our time together, I want to forewarn you that I tend to have rabbit trails and it may seem as if the pieces do not come together. However, that’s how my brain works to connect dots. If we are going to be in this space often, we might as well get to know each other, right? It is my hope to share the good, the not-so-good, and sometimes the just-plain-ugly. We will talk about things from homeschooling, faith, family, and health. However, I felt to get a good feel for who I am and what led me to where I am today…well, we need to go back. Back to how I became a mom and the up and downs that came with it. As I intend to do every episode, no matter where the road leads, we will always end up finding the good.
The question today is, can there be GOOD in GRIEF?
Back in 2005, my husband and I started trying to conceive. A year later, I was diagnosed with infertility, among other things, and we started fertility treatments. There was an exhausting rollercoaster of emotions, doctor’s visits, medications, blood draws, ultra sounds, surgeries, physical repercussions – that I am STILL seeing and more. 3 years of that and we were finally blessed with the phone call we’d been praying for: “Congratulations, you’re pregnant.” I can still recall the excitement on my husband’s face as I let him know he was going to be a daddy! It. Was. Awesome. We told our immediate family and we celebrated the joy together.
A few months later, we were on a family reunion trip in Florida. I adore my family, including the extended ones. While there, I began spotting. At Disney of all places. Everyone tried to tell me it was normal, going to be okay, and I needed to just relax. But the pain and bleeding increased while my hope for it to work out diminished. On the flight home, I knew my pregnancy was over. I will spare you the details of what happened once it was confirmed but suffice it to say that those images of late nights in the bathroom haunt me to this day. I was so angry. How could God…the God of love, grace, mercy…the God who made the blind to see and even raised people from the dead…how could He allow THIS to happen to me?! Had I really been that awful to deserve this?!
If you’ve ever read the book or seen the move, Anne of Green Gables, you’ll understand when I say “I was in the depths of despair.” The dark hole I was in was a place I wanted to both claw my way out of and also succumb to the numbness and simply disappear. I felt like a failure as a mom. A wife. A daughter. A woman. I felt reminded of a lifetime of not feeling good enough. This just simply put the nail in the coffin of confirmation.
When I was able to return to work after my miscarriage, I was sharing with a co-worker what had happened and was told “Well, at least you can get pregnant!”
Let me give a side bar here…when someone is trying to conceive…and/or is grieving a pregnancy loss…please, don’t say something like that. The whole point isn’t to just get pregnant. I wanted a real, live baby to hold and raise!
Working on an ambulance, I have truly seen it all. I recall making a run on a pregnant inmate. She was extremely high and very verbal about looking forward to getting out so she could wrap her car around a tree. In that moment, I wanted to strangle her. She had no desire to have this child. She had no drive to get sober. As my blood boiled, I thought “of course, I have a good job, supportive husband, fantastic family, and want so bad to be a mom but yes, Lord, let’s let this drug addict get pregnant and not even want her baby.” I was so bitter. There were other instances when the stories of “just relax” and “April fools jokes” cut me to the core. Time after time, year after year, as I struggled to understand why my body was SO BROKEN, I watched my social media feed fill up with friends and family growing by leaps and bounds. Being told “it’ll happen” just made my voice feel smaller and unheard. I had some who said actual hurtful things to and about me. Some things I didn’t even hear about until years later. People who have never dealt with infertility simply mean well but just don’t understand. And that’s ok. We don’t have to understand each other’s pain. But we can be understanding that we all have hurts.
Looking back, I think of that broken girl I was and wish I could tell her so many things. I want to hold her. I knew God could handle my emotions back then but I couldn’t see past the pain to even attempt and find the good.
The thing was…I didn’t know that there was a plan. There is always a “big picture” even when we can only see one scene at a time.
Prior to my loss, while sitting outside of a cracker barrel with my grandfather, he held my hand and prayed for me. He prayed for me to conceive. For peace. He was the only Pop I had ever known and I loved him so. Unfortunately, he was diagnosed with cancer the same year as my miscarriage. They gave him 3-6 months to live and he made it 2. Shortly before he died, we went to visit him. What no one knew, was that I was pregnant again. I was terrified. I was still grieving. The struggle to enjoy a life growing inside of me was not something I could even comprehend. And now I was saying goodbye to my Pop.
The day we were headed home, my sister and I went into his bedroom and shut the door. He was having a good day. As I sat down beside him, I held his hand and told him I had something to tell him, but it was a secret and he couldn’t tell anyone. He said ok. I could barely whisper through the tears to say “Pop, I’m pregnant.” He cupped my hand between his and said ‘oh honey…I love you.” And I cried as I told him I loved him too. He kissed my cheek and we said our goodbyes. He died a couple weeks later.
That was in October and Thanksgiving was going to be difficult. Remember how I said I didn’t know there was a plan?
As we stood at my parents house on Thanksgiving day, we gave them a letter I had written. It brought up the heartbreak and guilt of my miscarriage. It also addressed the loss we were all feeling from Pop being gone. As my parents read the words out loud, we all began crying as they read I was pregnant again…and officially 12 weeks along…and then the story of telling Pop. I told them I knew we were all hurting, but God knew we would need something to be glad about during this time. He knew what a blessing the new baby-to-be would be to our family. And He knew the timing of the pregnancy would be important.
I went on to have a perfect, 8lb13oz baby boy who is now almost 12 years old and one of the most incredible humans I know. His tenderness. His determination. His ability to push past his own fears. His hugs. All the things. He is truly a gift from God.
I went on to have another loss before becoming pregnant with twins. Twin A didn’t progress so that was a 3rd loss. Twin B thrived and became my daughter. I had a 4th loss a couple years later. I’m sure those losses will come up in future episodes but I wanted to tell you THIS story today. It’s a story of heartbreak, loss, anger and blessing. It took me several years to work my way out of the darkness I was in but I will always be reminded that there can be purpose from pain.
I don’t know where you’re at in your life today. Maybe you have questioned similar things. Like, if God is so great, why would he allow horrible things to happen to people? Why can’t he just wave a hand across the earth and make it all better? Make the chaos stop? Make things better?
Goodness, if 2020 showed us anything, it was how badly people are hurting.
I don’t know all the answers. But I do know this. The trials you and I face are not new to God. He has seen it all. Quite literally. I’m currently doing a read the bible in a year app and I am learning so much. Let me just say, those people who were used by God were imperfect - some being straight up hot messes. I can’t tell you how many times I have said, out loud, “well, He told you not to do that!” HAHA. The decisions a lot of these people made out of anger, pride, resentment…JAW. DROPPING. When Joseph was going through his trials of being thrown into a well, sold to travelers, tempted by Potiphar’s wife, thrown into jail, forgotten…God’s love never failed. Never gave up. He didn’t rescue Joseph from the situation, but He DID use it for good.
I know that if I had not had my first loss, my son would not be here today.
If not for my son, we wouldn’t have had something good to celebrate that holiday season. Did you know, the same month my son was born ended up being the anniversary of my first loss?
If not for that time of infertility, I would not have become lifelong friends with people I’ve met along the way. I began blogging and have not only remained friends with many of them, I’ve watched their kids grow up, been on family vacations with them, and even got a tattoo with a couple of them!
I chose to give back to honor those who had supported us through our own journey and started a nonprofit helping other couples build their families through treatments and adoption. We were able to host many fundraisers that allowed us the opportunity to offer grants to families. While we are not currently offering those, it has been a true blessing to see our support group continue and to watch close friendships form from those who met through our organization.
Do I still have twinges of pain when I think of the baby I never held in my arms? Absolutely.
Do I wish we could’ve had that child as well as my son, without the loss? Of course.
When you are in the middle of a struggle, and you wonder what the point is, why you are suffering…here me now when I tell you on the other side (and there WILL BE another side) is a God who is still good. Who loves you through it all. When you can’t breathe from trying to simply tread water, reach out to Him. He’s got you. He sees the bigger picture. He can handle the heavy. The questions. The emotions.
Maybe you and I haven’t been through the same things. Even if we have, we would still have different emotions, thoughts, feelings because we are each different. That being said, there is NO pain, NO circumstance in which God would forget you.
I still don’t fully understand the “why” behind my losses. Sometimes I wonder if maybe it was all to be able to say “I went through that, I survived, and God is still good.” If the reason is to help others…to be a part of God’s bigger plan…then I will cling to that answer and know that’s something to be glad about. See, the thing with being a “Pollyanna” doesn’t mean you live in a naïve world. It is BECAUSE of reality that I search for the good in all things. It may be something as simple as being grateful for a nice quiet devotional time before starting the day.It could be a quick text from a friend or a good song on the radio. It may be when dealing with a death you see that your loved one no longer has to deal with the crisis in current events. Even my inability to imagine being able to homeschool, and falling short of my own expectations, has found me to be GLAD that in today’s world, I am blessed to be raising and educating my children at home.
Question…are you someone who naturally finds the good in every situation? Or are you struggling to really see anything positive in a world that is full of negativity? Or then again, maybe you are somewhere in between. Something that has helped me, and I would suggest trying to see if it works for you as well is: Every day, write down 3-5 things you are grateful for. Not the generic “house, family” stuff but be specific to something that happened that day. Maybe it was as small as you were able to drink a hot cup of coffee instead of needing to reheat it in the microwave. It may be your kids got along long enough for you to go to the bathroom in peace. Or it could be something bigger than that. No matter what, look for the good and write it down. If you are consistent with it, I promise you that your mindset will shift. Your world won’t become perfect, but you’ll begin to see the good in the imperfections and THAT is what it means to play the Glad Game. If you decide to try it out, let me know how it goes!
**I am hoping this podcast finds its way to someone who may be needing some positivity with her faith, homeschool, health or life. If that’s you, you’ve found a friend who understands. If you have someone in mind that might relate, please share this podcast with her.
I’d love to connect so make sure to subscribe and then send me a quick hello over to imperfectlypollyanna.com! I’ve put that in the show notes for you. Remember, you are loved and I am GLAD you are here. See you next time!